The Descent Review

I couldn't get my wife to go. My buddy couldn't get his wife to go either. So we went to see The Descent on our own.

My wife won't see movies with snakes. Or death by water. Or death by fire. So really we've only watched like two movies together in 10 years. I think the last one was Pride and Prejudice. And I think we saw something about Reese Witherspoon being hit by a car and trying to live in her old apartment.

So she's definitely not going to see a movie about a bunch of women exploring a cave and running into some difficulty. But, I'm telling you, EVERY woman should see this movie. Not because of the gruesome gore, or the broken bones, or the claustrophobia, or the creatures.

But for the metaphors! What is the cave but the male mind? It's one of the last unexplored places that these women haven't conquered yet. Oh, they've got their gear, their Edelweiss climbing ropes, their Black Diamond halogen headlights. Have you ever seen your wife or your significant other, strap on their gear, pour a cup of coffee and come at you with that serious look? It's scary, isn't it? You start apologizing reflexively, instinctively.

The six women meet up, one in a depression because of a car accident that took her child and her husband, and they get ready to plumb the depths of a cave in the Appalachian mountains. Heh. Every guy knows though, that the automatic apologizing to a signifcant other in full cave exploring gear is just an ink-cloud distraction to slow down the relentless onslaught of the woman trying to get at your mind. Trying to figure you out. Trying to understand you better so you can understand THEM better. We escape into our cave and not many women can navigate down there--in the darkness, with the squirmy stuff, and come out whole and unscarred to tell about it.

So the women descend into the cave mouth. To claim it for themselves. My buddy and I looked at each other in the darkness over our $12.00 popcorn and sodas and we knew, deep down, that our wives could be one of them. Whooping it up, scrabbling into our secret caverns, dropping apple cores everywhere, trying to get at our essence and claiming it.

Silly, silly women.

Once in the cave, different things happen that you just know will happen. They get stuck. They lose stuff. There's a cave-in (imagine that) that creates a do-or-die situation. Any guy will tell you, that once a woman enters the cave of his mind, it is an endless maze of regret, a haze of longing hanging over everything obscuring and distorting the terrain, the primal howls of his being echoing down long, deep dangerous passages that lead nowhere good. It's home turf, baby, and you better watch out.

As the women scrabble around trying to find their way out, all hell breaks loose. And its not about claiming new ground anymore. It's about surviving. It's about getting out whole and alive. These women give as good as they get and there are some magnificent scenes of men's pride getting gored, their arrogance being skewered by pick-axes. The women discover hidden wells of courage and strength but are undone by their own treachery. It's like as evil as men can be, women can be just as evil.

It's a draw. A woman emerges, bloodied, having hacked her way back out, through sinew and bone, a survivor. She'll think twice, before she ever descends into another cave again, I bet. The creatures left within howl with outrage at the transgression, lapping at the blood spilled on the cave floor.

I went home and did a crossword puzzle with my wife, every once in awhile looking over to make sure she didn't have a pack on and a headlamp.

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Mooning Emoticons

I like this for ease of communication for some stuff I get. Enjoy!

Ricky Bobby vs. Sarah Stefanie

So what was better? Talledaga Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby or Eisenhower Nights: The Ballad of Sarah Stefanie?

There are three categories to compare:

1. Entertainment Value
2. Unintentional Comedy Scale
3. Future Predictability Quotient

Can real life ever approach a movie? People see movies to escape the daily grind of their lives. This is a mistake. And its wrong. It shows a distinct lack of imagination and energy. Zombie movies? Think tax time. Jennifer Aniston? Angelina Jolie? Piffle. Just marry a hottie like I did. Heh--all the loving I want for the price of a box of Goobers.

Anyway, entertainment value. I have a weakness for really dumb movies with random humor. I think Dumb and Dumber is a classic. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy was Ricky Bobby's predecessor:

Ron Burgundy: Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Veronica Corningstone: No, there's no way that's correct.

So yeah, I laughed hard at times. Chuckled at others. I liked Ricky Bobby's Whitesnake video reference, the reference to Tom Cruise when he thought he was on fire, his nasty little kids and I liked Ricky Bobby's dinner time prayer:

Ricky Bobby: Dear sweet Jesus God, thank you for my two sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, Ricky Bobby: And thank you for my sizzling hot wife.

Some pretty good laughs for about a $30 investment.

The Non-Date Date? For sheer entertainment value, the girls delivered. Our normally taciturn Sarah chattered like a little capuchin monkey on speed all the way to the Exchange. The Duck Principle was in full force here:

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck--then it's a duck! Two boys, two girls, a dinner, and a movie. Quack, quack, quack! It was actually funner to spy on Sarah/Stefanie at dinner than watching the movie: The beads of sweat on Francis' forehead as he tried to decide if he was in heaven or hell. Matt's hat-to-the-back look, like Vanilla Ice trying for street cred. Sarah's mouth open, great gobs of food visible like humpback whales off the coast and Stefanie trying for the Kate Moss hair-toss and actually hair-whipping the waitress when she stopped by for a tea refill.

Entertainment Value: Clear victory to Sarah/Stefanie. The Exchange cost me $22 and the laughs were better.

Unintentional Comedy: Dawn calling Sarah from across the Exchange to tell her that we could tell what she was eating from 75 feet away. Best unanticipated comedy bit from Ricky Bobby is when he sticks a knife in his own leg to prove that he is paralyzed. Edge goes to Ricky Bobby.

The FPQ is almost a draw. With any Will Ferrell movie, you know what you are going to get. Ricky Bobby. Ron Burgundy. Chazz Reinhold (from Wedding Crashers). Frank Ricard from Old School. With Sarah/Stefanie out, it's almost a certainty that whatever guy they are not-really-with-but-really-with, will be eclipsed by a major hottie that sits in close proximity to them and throws off their true north compass headings. You could almost feel Stefanie's fillings pulling out of her molars when a certain major tennis hottie sat behind her at the movie. Sarah began to swell up, her boobs like zeppelins at the airfield in Hamburg, poor Francis shrinking until he was the size of a small, weak kindergarten child. Matt oblivious to his total lack of street cred in the presence of blazing hot masculinity. Even though you know what you are going to get in a Will Ferrell movie, it's still not enough to overcome the sheer predictablity of a Sarah/Stefanie Non-Date Date. You can smell the smoke from the train wreck for miles. Clear edge to Sarah/Stefanie.

To recap: Entertainment Value--S/S, Unintentional Comedy--RB, Future Predictive Quotient--S/S. Clearly, the girls top Ricky Bobby for a night of pure pleasure.

I've just got to figure out a way to Neflix them.