Tristan and Isolde Review

I missed some of the middle because of a diaper run. That's actually very appropriate because that's exactly what this movie needed. A jumbo diaper, some Desitin for chapped butts, and a couple of Handi-Wipes for the crap that got on the comforter.

I'm okay with the hard lives that folks lived back then--after the Roman Empire crumbled and the English tribes warred with the Irish. Somehow, I can never work out the timeline in my mind with these things. One movie the Scots are being persecuted by the English, another has the Irish being persecuted, this one has the English being persecuted by the Irish. Nowadays, the English have consolidated and its the Irish that still hold grievances about the Northern Ireland. Whatever, at least we didn't need English sub-titles to watch the stupid movie because it was all American accents on the ancient isles.

Tristan's whole family gets whacked during an Irish attack He grows up with King Mark who saved him from a beheading during the Irish attack by blocking the blow with his own arm and getting his hand cut off for his efforts. Tristan becomes the top warrior hotty and when the Irish come again to claim slaves (all the pretty women in the village because if you are going to kidnap slaves they may as well be pretty) he mounts a counter-attack. All of this is perfectly good because if you've spent time making thorn bracelets for a cutie and reading awful poetry to a pretty girl, it pretty much sucks when the Irish swoop in and put them in cages and take them away. The interesting part here is that Tristan slays a bald-headed WWE looking guy that is actually Isolde's (the Irish Princess) fiance but get stabbed by Baldie's poison coated blade and goes into a coma.

So they send Tristan's body out to sea and shoot flaming arrows into it--even though this is a Norse custom and actually has nothing to do with the English or the Irish. Maybe the Vikings persecuted both populations earlier? Whatever.

The boat lands on an Irish beach, Isolde finds Tristan, nurses him back to health, reads to him really bad poetry, has incredibly stupid conversations about the meaning of life (which is really pointless because everyone knows the meaning of life is to become king and collect beautiful women from neighboring countries to be your slaves). So of course, Tristan being completely besotted with puffer-fish poison falls in love with only blonde chick in the movie. Yep, you go watch it. Every other female in the movie has long, stringy, greasy hair that looks like someone shaved a long-haired mountain goats ass and made a wig out of it.

Tristan escapes Ireland. Wins Isolde in a tournament (which is almost as cool as just riding into town and putting all the girls into a cage on wheels). I don't know why kids today go through prom and dates and fluttery nervous feelings when all you have to do is win a few hands of poker like these guys did and pick out whichever bride you want. But, since Tristan ain't a king, he has to give over Isolde to King Mark who being no dummy realizes that Isolde has the only blonde hair in the movie. So, even though Isolde's heart is fairly bursting with love for Tristan and she has the gift of communication--meaning she can TALK, she gets medieval with ole King Mark.

At this point, I realize that Isolde is nothing more than a common slut. She has an affair with Tristan pretty much the rest of the movie. They do the nasty-except in their case it really is the nasty because they do it in the woods rolling around in opossum poop and centipedes. I mean, they couldn't find one bed in all of England? And don't forget, King Mark won her fair and square!

So the Irish king (Isolde's Daddy) comes to England to celebrate his daughter's marriage to King Mark and he finds out that Tristan has been dipping his wick and thus destroys the delicate balance of power in the area and suddenly the Irish and English are at war again because blondie couldn't keep her britches on.

Tristan fights again to save King Mark's throne from the Irish and dies in Isolde's arms. They don't show it, but I think Isolde and King Mark roll Tristan's body into the river so that the trout can eat his soft tissues which then frees up Isolde to have affairs with the stable boy and the guy that sells fruit in the marketplace. King Mark consolidates the English into a powerful nation and cow the Irish. All because of Tristan and Isolde and their incredible, powerful, otherworldly love.

Actually, that's a pretty full diaper. Don't you think?